Give Me A Cheese!

There's a nice saying that I find myelf frequently remembering here: "Those who can't do, teach."  Hence, those who can't speak English teach it.  Hence, Georgia.

Most English teachers here, in schools, universities, and private institutes, are Georgian natives with more exposure to grammar books than to the actual living language.  In class I find myself both correcting the students' mistakes and my co-teachers' corrections--albeit as subtly as possible.  (No better way to make friends at work than to say, "You've been teaching English for 20 years and you can't form a complex sentence.  Be proud.") 

When it comes to ESL in Georgia, it's the blind leading the blind, and it's how mistakes become common knowledge.  It's why when I ask my 6th form students, "How are you?" they politely respond, "Fine, thanks.  Are you?"; it's why when I say, "Thank you," I am answered with, "Nevermind"; and why I am sometimes asked, "What's news?"  Not incorrect, per se (okay, that last one definitely is), but not...right. 

The English books used in school are laughably awful (well, I would laugh, except I'm too busy smacking my forehead every time I come across the word "fishes").  Rather than remedy the problem, they seem to be the root of it.  Even my Georgian-English dictionary includes a "Map of Georgian" and the phrase, "Are you been vaccinated against tetanus?"  Understandably, the book mostly stays at home. 

By no means have I seen the worst of the worst--there are apparently hundreds of Georgian-English books on the market, all perpetrating hundreds of falsehoods about my mothertongue--but here are some of my favorite attempts to teach Georgians a language vaguely resembling English:

Give me a P!  Give me an A!  Give me a CHEESE!  What's that spell?

Unfortunately, there was no visual to demonstrate what exactly "a breakfast" is.

I tried to teach my class the vocabulary "loaf of bread," but they just kept going on about a "loaf of pizza."  Maybe "a bread" would have been better.

If this doesn't make your child want to study English, I don't know what will.

Just one, apparently--but I think that is the least of this girl's concerns.

Whoah, whoah, whoah!  When did this happen?!

Alas.  It's a losing battle.  It's my last week (or so) here, and there's only so much misinformation I can counter in my remaining time (I'm just one person, dammit!).  So, next time someone asks me, "What's news?" I'll simply smile and say, "Oh, nothing news with me.  Are you?"